The Gobbler resolves, in this New Year, 2007, the Year of the Pig:
• To never pay for Wagyu beef with his own money.
• To eat no edamame.
• To eat no hen-of-the-woods mushrooms.
• To never visit a boutique hamburger bar.
• To never drink sake cocktails.
• To order only tequila drinks at really fancy restaurants.
• To write no more (or maybe a little less) about ridiculous restaurant bathrooms.
• To wear a disguise, just once, possibly involving a toupee.
• To divine the true meaning of that nebulous and mystical term “biodynamic.”
• To listen raptly to all sommeliers.
• To learn how to say “turn down the goddamn house music, please” in Japanese.
• To stop avoiding his nutritionist.
• To teach Ms. Gobbler the Heimlich maneuver.
— Adam Platt