Thou Shalt Serve a Crappy Shrimp Cocktail. The larger, more frozen, more outrageously priced the shrimp, the more prosperous the restaurant will be. For best results, serve your shrimp on shreds of old lettuce, dressed with a single wedge of lemon.
Thou Shalt Have One Decent Potato Side Dish. Some new steakhouses offer six or seven potato sides. Not one of them, in the Gobbler's experience, is usually as good as a single bite of the crunchy, lard fried German potatoes at Peter Luger.
Thou Shalt Show Off Your Ridiculously Priced Red Wines. Preferably in double-size magnums or larger. The best presentation is at Sparks, where they're tethered by the entrance with little gold chains, like prize heifers.
Thou Shalt Peddle Kobe at Your Peril. As Michael Lomonaco knows, this is a porterhouse town — hence, Porter House New York.
Thou Shalt Be Larger Than a Pasta Joint. Like the cattle they consume, New Yorkers like to feed in herds.
Thou Shalt Have Lots of Sizzle. New Yorkers don't care if their beef is grass-fed or dry-aged, as long as it's charred to a crisp. Ask Lomonaco, who had Jean-Georges Vongerichten's V Steakhouse oven replaced because it wasn't hot enough.
Thou Shalt Not French the Bone. The Gobbler's colleague the Steak Loon considers bone-on rib steaks to be central to the New York carnivore's cosmology, and he's right. So no deboned cow, please. Save that delicious intercostals meat for the person who ordered the steak!
Thou Shalt Not Be From a Foreign Land, Whether Alsace or Chicago. V Steakhouse bombed here. Gobbler is sure people go to Morton's, but he doesn't know who they are.
Thou Shalt Serve Very Large, Though Tedious Desserts. Frippery doesn't cut it in a proper steakhouse. When the Gobbler is in a true beef coma, size, and size alone (plus a lot of whipped cream), is what gets his attention.
— Adam Platt